The LightBlade by Nasym Kushner, Evan Moran, Roman Lucursi, Samay Gandhi, and Charlie Kraus

Samay: (Sadly Walks in, in Indian accent) My store got robbed for the FIFTH TIME this week! I am so angry! Why can’t people just leave my store alone?

Charlie: It’s ok! Our recent studies have a semi-legal weapon that allows YOU to save your store! Meet: The LightBlade! The lightblade allows us to cut through things easily using focused beams of light that are refracted as per frequency! You can get your LightBlade in multiple colors! It comes in Red, Blue, Green, and Rainbow!

Nasym: Yeah, but how does that help him protect his store?

Charlie: Just watch as my assistant and I provide a demonstration!

Samay: This better be good...

{Scene: Nasym walks into the “store,” and pretends to steal something. From the behind, Charlie brings the LightBlade up, and swings to make light contact with Nasym’s neck. As Nasym falls down, Charlie stabs the sword towards the ground to Nasym’s right side, by his large flabs. As the blade makes contact with the ground, all we see is Nasym’s legs and arms in the air.}

Charlie: You see? We also advertised our other prized product: The Life Disc! Just throw it at the person that needs to be revived, and BAM! They’re up and running! It’s so easy to use as we have precisely calculated its aerodynamics and flight patterns to analyze its perfect flight path! In other words, we folded a piece of paper 5 times.

Samay: Why do I want to keep the guy and then bring him back to life?!

Charlie: Well... You can throw the disc at the guy if you want.

Samay: YES!

Charlie: And it’s a good way to make money!

Samay: Sure… But it doesn’t sell as well as the products in my store.

Charlie: (Laughs)

Evan: And remember: For only a $5 dollar value, you can buy this item for 5 easy payments of 999.99! And if you buy our LifeDisc, you will get a special discounted price of 3 easy payments of 999.99! And we’ll throw in free shipping! (in a lower, faster voice) Side effects of the LifeDisc include Coronary Artery Disease, Stroke, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, Lower Respiratory Infections,Trachea, Bronchus, and finally Lung Cancers! (louder and more clear) And just these make this our SPECIAL VALUE OF THE YEAR! (Nasym punches at screen)

Everyone: (Nasym brings punch back) The LightBlade! The flashiest way to protect your items!

(Nasym faints)

The Rise of the Ninja by Nasym Kushner, Samay Gandhi, Evan Moran, Roman Licursi, and Charlie Kraus

Timothy

Senshi

Craydon

Shlingle (A snake)

The voice

  

Scene 1

Timothy: (Holding a meter stick and sweeping the floor while singing a song about it)

“Hmm, I wonder when mom and pop will come home” (continue singing)

(wait 10 seconds)

Senshi: Knock knock

Timothy: (answers door) “hello”

Senshi: “Hello, may I come in?”

Timothy: (gestures to come in) “Sure, take a seat. Shall I bring you some tea?”

Senshi: (sits down fidgets while looking worried and uncomfortable) “That would be pleasant. But please be quick about it.”

Timothy: (rushes to other side of stage and pretends to pour tea) “What kind.”

Senshi: “I’ll take oolong tea with a hint of honey.”

Timothy: “Ok” (Timothy sits down across from Senshi)

Senshi: “So… you are the Timothy .”

Timothy: (gaping)

Senshi: “An evil power has arisen in these lands I shall train you up to be the Grand Ninja.”

Timothy: (wavering) “Y-y-you must be the great S-s-s-Senshi

Senshi: “Yes, now come with me and I will show you the ways of the ninja.”

(Walk off stage together)

Scene 2

Craydon:“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Snake:“Masssssster isss very wisssse”

Craydon:“I have the ultimate plan. I have this formula that puts whoever comes in contact with it under my complete CONTROLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Snake:”You musssst be the greatessst Asssssgardian wisssard of all timess!”

Craydon:”You flatter me so.I am the ONLY Asgardian wizard.”

Snake:”But aren’t you afraid that Senshi will defeat you again?”

Craydon:”Don’t you dare mention that cursed name! But no, I am not afraid.”

Snake:”You’re the Bosssssss.”

Craydon:”Good, Shlingle. Accompany me and help me prepare the defenses.”

Shlingle:”Yesssss Sssssssir.”

(Walk off stage menacingly)

Scene 3

Mysterious slow old assertive voice: “Ten Years Later.”

(Timothy and Senshi walk onstage)

Senshi: “The time has come. I have trained you and given you all of my knowledge. I am of no more assistance. If you succeed the world will be restored to its once resounding peace and you will be known as a hero.”

Timothy:”I’m not sure I want to be a hero.”

Senshi: “Well suck it up, the world depends on you”

Timothy: ”Fine. Let’s GO!”

(Exit Timothy)

Senshi:(Quietly)”Best of luck to you.”

(On the battlefield)

Shlingle: “Finally, the time hasss come. We will desssssstroy him onesssssss and for all.”

Craydon:”Now is the time. I will use the formula!”

(Timothy holds up deflection shield and sword)

(Timothy swings at formula)

(Timothy and Craydon engage in battle for a few minutes~ suddenly, Craydon pulls out wand prop)

(formula splashes on Craydon)

Craydon:”What?! NO! I have been defeated again!”

Craydon:”Wha…? Who am I?”

Shlingle: (bites Timothy in the back and chokeholds Senshi)

(Timothy and Senshi collapse

Shlingle: “Finallyyyy, the world isss ressstored to peacccce.”

Shlingle: “The world may reside in peacccceee forever now.”

THE END

GLOBAL DAILY HOTWIRE!!!! Colony of Baby Donald Trump’s Found! by Nasym Kushner

Tuesday June 21, 2016 8:00 AM

While bouncing down 2nd street NYC, Pogo Stick enthusiast Charles Hoppy found a colony of baby Donald Trump’s streaming out of 2nd Avenue Deli. “They screaming insults about Mexicans and carrying bricks on their heads,” says Mr. Hoppy. The NSA advises everyone to lock their homes and refrain from saying things like 99%. They also advise that you take down all signs except for “Make America Great Again -Donald Trump”.

Wednesday June 22, 2016 2:00

New images posted of NYC from satellite Aura show that the Donald Trump Baby Colony (now known as DTBC) has expanded from a small 100 to a eye-popping 500,000. They are currently attacking all non-white-christian people with AK-47’s shaped like pacifiers. They are building giant walls and military bases (of course baby size) and capturing anyone who comes near.

Thursday June 23

President Obama has been assassinated. There are rumors that Hillary is next. Trump has taken over the internet with racial slurs. His minions are spreading messages that the KKK must meet him for plans to get rid of blacks. The babies have been reported to shouting “go back to Canada,” to random liberalists.
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