Kid: (playing on an electronic device) Mom/Dad what are
we having for dinner tonight?
Parent: (doesn’t look up from cleaning the kitchen)
Grandma and Grandpa are coming over for dinner tonight it’s up to them
Kid: (showing signs of disappointment) seriously Mom/Dad
they’re gonna’ want to have-
Parent: (interrupting) (finally looking up from cleaning)
You should feel bad for your grandparents they’re stuck in a nursing home up
north
Kid: (rolls eyes) Mom/Dad they live in an apartment in
the suburbs and play Mahjong with their old people friends all day
Parent: Just play on your phone, okay?
Kid: Mom/Dad they like to squish my face, call me
boobelah, and tell me how tall I am!
Parent: (clueless) What’s wrong with that?
Kid: (in frustration) I’m only four foot two!
Parent: But you’re tall anyway!
Kid: (rolls eyes and goes back to playing on phone)
(Kid plays on phone; mom cleans for about ten seconds)
(PERSISTENT KNOCKING SOUND)
Parent: (frantically) That must be them! Go answer the
door! And be polite!
Kid: Okay, Okay!
(accidentally knocks phone onto the floor and knocks bowl of chips onto
the table trying to pick it up)
Parent: (starts taking deep breaths trying to calm
themselves) I’ll do it myself! Just go to your room, and don’t mess ANYTHING
ELSE UP!
Kid: Whatever.
(puts on headphones with LOUD MUSIC strolls down the hallway doing weird dance
moves and accidentally knocks down a picture on the wall) oops! I’ll pick it
up! (struggles over the weight of the picture and drops it on foot) OW!
(door flies open because grandfather kicked it down)
Grandmother: (Yiddish accent) Boobelah! What’s wrong?
(runs over squishing KID’s face)
Grandfather: (Yiddish accent) My, my you’re so tall!
Kid: (struggling to speak with face being squished) I
told you this would happen! (he starts kicking his feet trying to escape the
GRANDMOTHER’s embrace)
Grandfather: We’re having Gefilte fish for dinner, right?
Kid: (storms off of stage) ugh!
Grandmother: Wait!
Boobelah! Don’t run away from
your Grandma! Running away from your
grandpa I understand, but not from your Grandma!
Parent: (rolling eyes) Kids these days.
Grandmother: If I got mad when I was younger I had to run
out in the outhouse to get privacy. This
kid is spoiled rotten because you let him/her sleep inside like an actual human
being! I thought I raised you better
than this!
Grandfather: You need to teach that kid some discipline
Kid: (yells from off stage) I heard that!
Grandfather: (angry) That’s exactly the type of behavior
I’m talking about!
Grandmother: (protectively fighting) Don’t insult my
boobelah!
Grandfather: You’re the one who brought it up!
Grandmother: You’re meshugana! You brought it up!
Grandpa: No you did you meanie!
Parent: (interrupts) Okay, okay settle down everybody!
Grandparents: It’s your fault anyway you raised him/her
wrong!
(KID enters stage)(everyone except KID starts arguing for
ten seconds)
Kid: (shyly) Everybody stop arguing!
(everyone looks at KID)
Kid: (sad) This was supposed to be a nice dinner and I
turned it into a horrible one!
Parent: (also saddish) No it’s not you’re fault it’s
mine. I couldn’t keep anybody under
control.
Grandma: No! It’s my fault I wasn’t being a good bubby to
my little boobelah (she squishes KID’s cheeks).
Kid: Stop.
(now ALL are sad)
Grandma: Sorry!
Grandpa: No it’s my fault! I can’t be a good leader of this family.
Kid: Guys, you know what?
I think that we should start this dinner all over again.
Parent: I agree.
Kid: All in raise your hand.
(ALL raise hands)
Grandma: (talking to GRANDPA) Oh! You really have got to
put on some deodorant!
Grandpa: (annoyed) Oy! Vey!
Parent: (trying to keep calm) Don’t start it.
Kid: Everyone, starting positions!
(GRANDMA and GRANDPA scramble to the door step and KID
and PARENT stay in the kitchen.)
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